The wind is blowing (I find wind gusts unnerving and have flashbacks to living in the mountains, waiting for all of the trees to come crashing into my house) and my kids are about to get home from school, so I might be a little bit distracted, but I just wanted to get thoughts down before they fly out of my head. I have always thought blogging is a bit narcissistic (does anyone really want to know this much information about my family’s obsession with Marcus Lattimore?) and I’m sure that thought did not originate with me. I have to say, though, that it has been really helpful to me personally, cathartic I guess you would say, in wading through my thought life and pouncing on a few strays and turning them into online journaling. I have also noticed that it is different for me from a traditional private journal in that I have to be cognizant of the fact that someone might actually be reading what I am writing (thanks, Mom!). And while I try to be completely honest in what I write because my husband also reads the blog and acts as a censor (otherwise I’m a bit given to exaggeration), I notice a trend in what I think about writing and this is it: it is a whine. Everytime! And not a whine about external circumstances – I wish we lived on the beach, I wish Justin would buy me a big honkin’ SUV to compensate for my shortness, I wish I had cuter clothes (though all of those would be nice…hmmm). No, it is a whine about me – narcissism of a different flavor: I’m such a slacker, I waste too much time, I should be doing something right now, I’m such a horrible mom, wife, daughter, fill in the blank. That is the stuff that would fill my own personal private journal, if I opted to spend even more time writing about myself.
Well, what’s so bad about that? At least I am not always tooting my own horn about how great I am, right? The problem is, this constant drone between my ears about how bad I am is still a complete focus on myself. Whether the voice in my head tells me, “You are so awesome!” or “You are a loser!”, it is still all about me, me, ME!
Who will deliver me from me? I’ll give you a hint: it isn’t me. Anytime I feel powerless against some thought or held captive in my sin, I know I have taken my eyes off of “the author and perfecter of my faith” (Heb. 12:2), namely Jesus. The only way to lay aside my chains is to ask Him to take them off of me. And every day it is a struggle not to put them back on again!
So, fellow worms scrunching around in our collective horribleness, take heart! You were not left alone in your badness, but Jesus came down to you and to me and said, “I can handle all of your shortcomings and failures, just put it all on me.” Fix your thoughts on his goodness instead of your badness and see what happens. And the thoughts won’t stay fixed, I can assure you, so prayers and Bible promises taped on the dash and the front of your refrigerator and possibly on your children and the dog’s collar will be helpful in your fight to stay focused on sweet Jesus.